In hospital life was so simple. NOTHING outside those four walls mattered, nothing at all. Not money or Brexit, not clean clothes or housework, careers, a rounded diet, tax self assessments, bills, meetings, missed appointments, the weather. Nothing. Not because these things stopped existing, but because they became so incomprehensibly unimportant in comparison to being seriously unwell.
Family travelled for hours to visit me and Paul and I didn’t even feel guilt like I usually would, because there was no question of them not being there when they were so needed. For those few weeks everything became very clear, it was very obvious what mattered in life. Life matters, people matter. Looking back, Paul and I often say it was the simplest time of our lives, it was only about surviving. Perhaps slightly trumped for Paul by being shot at in Afghanistan.
Back to Life, Back to Reality
Now life is back to normal and our brains are once again utterly riddled with day to day goings on. Sometimes I feel there’s so much going on in my mind I’m going to explode. Running used to be my escape, by the time I’d pushed myself to the top of a mountain, heart racing, legs burning, my mind was free again. But running has become more and more difficult as I get bigger and clumsier. So there’s no escape and my mind is full and ragged.
I’m hoping having this little baby on the loose will bring that clarity and single focus back again - sort my priorities without giving me any say in them! Because right now my brain tussles with work one moment, house renovations the next, from websites I’m mid-build for some very patient friends and clients, to whether I’ve felt the baby kick today and if I’ve consumed too much caffeine. From how much stuff one tiny person can really need and how much it’s all going to cost, to sending off photos and blurbs as requested for articles about organ donation. Trying to sell the caravan, trying to start the car, trying to find time to finish my children’s’ book, update Insta, write a blog post or visit family and friends. And always the marathon marathon marathon and the ever growing list of emails needing responses, calculations needing working out, t-shirt ordering, Facebook posting, website updates, desperate marketing ideas, advert designing, invoice sending, invoice chasing, tax returns, fundraising targets, guilt at not having done enough, stress at enough not being possible. Self loathing at letting it all slip and sadness at not enjoying it like I used to when it was my pride and joy.
If I got ill again tomorrow, or Paul, or the baby, or any of our family or friends, all of that would fade away again, becoming totally inconsequential. Therefore this weekend I’m going to focus on what actually matters and hope I get some clarity back in this bird’s nest of a brain (without needing anything god-awful to happen!). Some tough decisions need to be made about if and how everything can be juggled. And I need to work out a way I get to enjoy this pregnancy, rather than seeing it as a time limit in which to get a million tasks ticked off. Sitting down and writing this blog post has been my first step in a weekend of doing things that are good for my mind, thank you so much for reading it :)